alright, so somehow i managed to lose my archives and annoy myself. so what does that mean? well, boys and girls, it means a new blog. check it out here.

we buried lexi today. what was originally forcasted to be a cloudy, drizzly day turned out as one of the first warm days of the summer. the sun shone and the sky was brilliantly blue. the cemetery is nice...lexi rests near the back, in a peaceful patch on the crest of a gently rolling hill.
i was the example to the stereotypical emotional friend--i was fine until the "ashes to ashes, dust to dust" bit. when the father dropped the dirt on the casket, the hollow sound hit a chord in me deep beneath my rationalizations of "it's been almost six months, i've gained some closure." i haven't. the sound, and the realization that lexi was in there brought the tears right back to my eyes.
someone brought a bouquet of daisies and distributed them to everyone gathered. i placed mine on the coffin and kissed my hand, then placing my fingers on the coffin, said a goodbye and walked away a little bit. michelle, lucas, becca and i had a group hug and we wathed as others said their goodbyes.
as i stood there, i looked to my left and saw a monarch butterfly dancing through the grass and dandelions. it moved towards the four of us before fluttering away. the timing made me feel as if it was lexi showing that she was ok, she was still beautiful, and she was with us even then.
becca mentioned "baby got back", and the three of us girls half-whispered the lyrics, giggling through our tears. i never thought sir mix-a-lot would help me with my grief...but he did.
we went to ms. lepore's house, and it was how i imagined it--a cute house in the country, off a dirt road, with the hints of martha stewart i knew would be there. we looked through pictures and kristen, lexi's sister, showed us a video of lexi's high school graduation, at which she was the class speaker. i'd seen a videotape of her--baz had one of random weekend debauchery--but this one showed everything about lexi that i loved--her humor, her strength, and her spirit. i was laughing and crying at the same time.
we sat outside with her mother later in the afternoon, and there were more butterflies. so she was still with us.
i miss her, and i want her back. it's been so hard to sit there and think about how she won't be coming home from india, to think about going through our last year without her. and i keep telling myself that we're not without her, she's with us always. her best friend said at the funeral, "there's a bit of lexi in all of us, so just remember that when you cry because you wish you could hold her, she's holding you." and i'm trying to think that so much, and it's working a little, but not nearly enough.

i stopped in to see my parents at work on our way though fair haven, and my mother loved her birthday present--a double cd set of "mom's mega musix mix". i miss my family. i think i might go home for the rest of the summer so i can spend my last summer before entering the great unknown at home with them. for the first time in a long time, the idea of being home is incredibly appealing. i think that's a sign.

i hate everyone. in addition to that, i am sick of being a doormat. in addition to that, i have a pounding headache. in addition to that, i can't stop coughing. in addition to that, i am fucking pissed off.
other than that, everyone's wonderful.

STUPID VICTORIA!
while i was bitching about not having anything to do, i was supposed to be working at the library. dammit dammit dammit. i am in a very bad mood now. ARUGH.

i'm exhausted and i do not know why. it rather annoys me. and i keep thinking the day has moved along faster than it has. i've got an hour and fifty minutes left with nothing to do...which makes me whine on my blog...aurgh.

could it be? am i possibly starting to learn HTML??? not much, but at least a little. check out the links at the bottom of the archive. yippee...

the installation lasted longer than anticipated. much longer. 2+ hours, in fact. while it was annoyingly dull, at least it gave me something to do. now i'm back here doing a whole lot of nothing for the afternoon. and getting paid. which is pretty cool right now, but as the summer progresses, if stuff doesn't pick up, i just might have to lobotomize myself.

and, in other news, today is my mother's birthday. :):):)

whoo hoo! i've got stuff to do today! i was initially worried about another day of "well, i'll just find something to do on the pc with no internet and therefore no options", but i get to do some software installation--which'll take about an hour--and some RAM installation. not exactly a challenging series of tasks, but at least they give me something to do.
i got the official ok yesterday for my mini-vacation--the 18th off and a half day the 19th so i can revel in mayer/day music--so now all i have to worry about is figuring out how i'm going to get there and back. my father and i engaged in mutual guilt tripping over the phone last night about it, but we both said we know it's going to work out, so i'll be able to see both of my favorite singing fellows. i can't wait to go, but i just want the stress of getting to massachusetts out of the way. once i get back, i'll be pretty much here all the time--that is, i won't be asking for these random days off and losing hours and whatnot, which will be good, in it's own sort of way. i love the fact that i'm doing things and having adventures, though. last summer, i worked. nothing else, really, just worked. this summer, i've got things to do, which makes me happy.
and the internship stress was alleviated somewhat by an email from MD yesterday--i've got a spot with the freeps in either the fall or spring, whatever i want to do. it looks like i'm going to be an intern in the sports department, which'll be fun. at this point, i just want to get the damn thing out of the way, wherever i am. not exactly the best attitude to have, but with all of the bullshit about taking practicum, i just want to get through it. good ol' MD rocks the house, though, i don't know what i did to have him be so nice to me and look out for me, but i'm not complaining. :) it's funny thinking about first semester freshman year, as i sat in his mass comm. class and was scared of him. yet another example of how knowing better changes things immensely.

i watched "me myself & irene" tonight. so odd. jim carrey driving around by the waterfront...obviously i knew what to identify--charles schwaab ring a bell?--but just seeing him drive the same route we all walked on "larry's birthday" was an odd sort of surreal thing.
i would have loved to have been an extra on that movie.

still wanting to procrastinate, looked up my name in google. it's so bizarre to know that there are other me's out there in the world...

i am exhausted and do not feel particularly well today. i couldn't fall asleep last night.
i'm in the JE 142 lab...working on its maintanence, but i was so excited to have internet access that i'm taking a teeny bit of a break. i know now that i should appreciate those jobs where i'm running around like crazy because frustrating as they might be, at least i'm DOING something. all i've done all week is burn cds and play with excel. not exactly a stimulating series of tasks.
i know my last few posts have been random, but honestly, there's not much to say from here right now. i wake up, i go to work, i break for lunch, go back to work, eat dinner, come home. the schedule is monotonous and while the peope i work with are nice enough, i find myself just going through the motions. i need excitement. i need to feel like i'm awake.
which is why i will be spending exorbanent (sp?) amounts of money on concerts and the like. urgh. i must focus on the fact that i am having a wonderful time at these shows and most of them aren't very expensive. i mean, $8 for howie and john?
since i plan on contributing to the car fund this summer, i've set up a system. save as much money as possible, but at least $100 of every paycheck is off limits entirely. granted, this is easier said than done, but i can do it. i can--will--save money. because i want a car, i want a new guitar. so there.

ah...finally at a computer with internet access. i have spent the past day and a half doing nothing but burning cds. and the pile of stuff left to do doesn't seem to be getting any smaller. arugh.
but right now i'm at the library, doing my hour's worth of time today like a good little work/study (without the study right now).
becca and i are the amazing flower snatchers. yesterday evening, we dodged between the raindrops to the wrap house for our project. lexi had planted flowers on the side of it at some point, and we decided that we wanted to plant them elsewhere as a legacy of sorts. so we crept over to the house and took the bulbs, therefore digging in dirt and looking entirely too foolish for words. we put them in various pots and are planning on giving some of them to lexi's mother and father, and then we're each keeping some, to be planted at our respective houses in the fall. that way, a bit of lexi is growing right outside our doors.
becca, lucas, and i are going to be heading to lebanon springs, ny on friday for the final in the series of services. it's going to help, i can already tell. but it'll still be hard. michelle might be trying to make the trip, and while i told larry and nikki, i don't think they're coming.

monique brought becca and myself bangle bracelets and bindhis from nepal. :) mine are tiny and beautiful and turquoise and i can't believe she brought me them. it was incredibly sweet.
i spent approximately eight hours today drinking water and burning cds for andy. i took medicine and was drowsy for the entire day. napped from 1-2:30.
i cannot wait for the 18th. will be such good times.

i feel like shit.
i look like shit.
not a happy victoria.
yes, i am exceptionally miserable.

i feel like shit.
i look like shit.
not a happy victoria.
yes, i am exceptionally miserable.