yeah, so things here are not going as well as i hoped. i regret not performing in improv today. it was so hard to watch them all and not be up there...and the worst thing about it (shallow as it'll make me sound) was that when they ran through who everyone in rough edges was, i couldn't say "hey! i'm a member! go me!" and when kirk's wife was talking with me, she commented that i must not be a member cause i'm not up there with them, i felt like shit.
but i'm proud of how they all did, they were amazing up there and made me realize that they're awesome at what they do. i wish i was that good.
i don't know what the deal is with me right now. i just want to be excited and happy about something. and every choice i make to try to make myself happy leaves me feeling worse.
yes, ladies and gentlemen, i think vickie is officially burnt out.
grrrr.

so tomorrow is the murder mystery. i am scared shitless that i'm going to ruin it for everyone. i've learned that i can't act to save my life. and my family will be there, my friends, and a total of 300+ people who will be laughing at me.
i'm not performing in improv tomorrow--i flipped out at rehearsal tonight, called kirk, and said i can't possibly do it. so i'm going to be a "contestant" instead. i felt bad, but now i feel a little better. :) note, a little.

what a beautiful way to start my day. ignore the heinous snow that is falling from the ground, ignore the fact that the bottom of my flares are drenched from the heinous snow. ignore the fact that i had to trudge my way over to st. ed's so i could report in for work.
it was a beautiful way to start my day because while i trudged over to st. ed's, mark was walking right in front of me. call me pathetic, i'm aware that i am...but seeing that made the snow and the wet flares and the impending three hours of work worthwhile. and he had a pen tucked by his ear...it was too cute.

i realized i've changed a lot when things that used to affect me so much barely matter to me anymore. kind of sad in a way, but it makes me happy.

can you possibly make me sound stupider or have a worse picture????
plus i hate the fact that the URL has in it "theatre people"--ACTF? garrone welch? dramaqueens? something other than that?
sorry, my natural "go defender" instincts kicking in. we covered it in our first issue. plus there are typos.
but hey, i'm happy to be in it, i guess. go me!

found myself enthralled in chief patterns II this afternoon--first class in awhile that has had my mind engaged the entire time (most of the time, my eyes glaze over because i'm exhausted...)
we were discussing dederot and his "paradox of acting"--and we were, for a portion of the class, discussing the differences between his interpretation of acting, which was obviously (due to his time) concerning the aspect of necessary repeat performances that stage productions require, as opposed to method acting, a technique developed primarily once film became a dominant form of dramatics. while most of the class mentioned brando, pacino, etc. for examples of method acting, all i thought about was james dean, due to the fact that i've been studying him as of late. i found myself wondering who dederot would have thought of dean.
he wrote, "actors who use extreme passion are mediocre; their range is limited, trapped to the limits of their sensibilities." well, dean tapped only into his passion in his performances, to the extreme end of method acting. dean wanted everything in a scene to be as real as possible because only then would he be able to convey the proper emotions and responses to the events that take place. even to the point of really being punched, instead of stage combat, because only then could the scene be at its best. not exactly deterot.
deterot went on to say at the end of a performance, true actors would feel "neither trouble, nor sorrow, nor depression, nor weariness of soul," something that also is as far from dean as possible. dean, as the other examples raised in class demonstrated, never really seemed to come offstage, as far as his demeanor and actions. kirk asked us how an actor who was being himself in performance could ever really stop being himself after the performance was over. was there any way to end the time of performance? for dean, as i believe anyone who has read about him, performance never stopped. i don't think he could stop, even if he had wanted to.
anyway, that got me thinking, and i found myself fascinated with trying to think about the two approaches. and then, to make matters worse, kirk had started discussion talking about an actor (in any form of performance role) controlling an audience. deterot also mentioned that if an actor did not have self-control, there was no way he could control an audience. and that got me thinking about jim morrison. during all of his wild antics onstage, did he have complete self-control? i certainly do not think so...i think he got swept up in the moment and lost himself, giving up his self-control to see where the music, the drugs, and the spirit moved him. did that mean he did not have control over his audience? certainly not. he did not only control his audience, he captivated them. but then i realize that perhaps he did have control over both himself and the crowd, because he was known for pushing the audience to the bounds, to see how far they would go. he was fascinated with the concept of provoking the audience to the point of riot, and how could he push those boundaries if he wasn't in control of himself? he wouldn't realize what he was doing.
and then, to totally mess with my mind, kirk showed the final scene from "the truman show" (which i must see again, might i add), to illustrate how he feels jim carrey is the modern day consumate deterot actor. that movie always leaves me thinking philosophically anyway, so my walk home from mccarthy was filled with thoughts of deterot, method acting, morrison, and the concept of god vs. man, reality vs. fiction, and independant live vs. unknown manipulation.
oh, it's fucking with my mind, but what an amazing class.

roaming about other blogs, i found a link to palm reading:
You are intelligent and practical, very likely to have a good memory and the ability to make and follow plans. Leadership skills are among your useful traits.
At times, you may tend to be overly sensitive to criticism. You can be excessively cautious or narrow in your outlook unless you receive the right kind of encouragement.
You have so many interests that you may have trouble deciding which ones to pursue.
There may be times in your life when you give in to feelings of sadness or depression.
You have the ability to detach your emotions from a situation and make objective decisions.
Your personality is dynamic and attractive to most people. The more branches you find in your heart line, the more friends and lovers you will have. However, you must be careful not to treat other people''s emotions unkindly. You may be tempted to infidelity.
One possible character flaw is a tendency to be inconsistent or untrustworthy. You may have to work to develop more consideration and cooperation.
Sometimes you may have trouble discerning between thought and feeling. There are times in your life when your emotions can rule your behavior. When you are feeling sad, this can distort your view of life.
There are inconsistencies in your energy level, possibly triggered by external factors or emotional changes.
You have a basically strong constitution, and should enjoy good health most of the time.
You were probably given a good start in life by your parents. This could be based on your general upbringing, or on physical characteristics you inherited.
A major illness or setback is predicted near mid-life. You have the ability to recover from this.
There is a strong intuitive side to your nature, which may border on psychic or mystical ability.

i highly recommend to all of my faithful visitors ben & jerry's new flavor kaberry kaboom. strawberry and blueberry ice cream swirled with while chocolate covered "candy crackels". think pop rocks. i tried it tonight during the "meet 'n' greet" for the SA candidates, and my mouth was crackling the entire time. made the rest of the meeting that much more enjoyable. ;)

while killing an hour before murder mystery (i know, bad choice of words) this afternoon, i grabbed some food at greensleeves and brought it over to mccarthy. i went into one of the practice rooms and sat quietly, letting the sunshine pour in from the windows onto me. in the next room, piano lessons were being conducted. i let the rich tone of the notes fill my head and force out all of the frustrations and anxiety. the light cascading melodies made me smile, and i realized for the thousandth time how much i love the sound of a piano. i cannot wait to have one in my house someday. the notes calm me down and make me happy.
i thought of chris edwards and wondered how he is doing. it's odd to think that it has been four months since i have seen him. i still feel accustomed to seeing him each and every day for hours at a time. time really has flown by this semester, and i have a hard time believing i only have six weeks left in the semester. a month until washington. three newspapers til i'm done for the semester. it feels like i just began.
i looked out the window toward ross and wondered about how it will be when this place is no longer my home. where will i end up? what will i be doing? who will be in my life? the closer i get to my future, the less certain it seems. there are so many possibilities, and i've had so many things happen in my life recently. and i can see that i have many adventures to come. and while not knowing is an odd feeling, i'm not that frightened about it right now.
forcing thought out of my mind, i settled back into my cold aluminum chair and watched the cars drive by as the sound of the piano once again filled my head.

coincidentally, right after i bitch about HKD's lack of road journal entries--i was bored at work and saw that he had finallly decided to write something...
i was going to see if i could get down to boston for the paradise show, but i'm rather glad i didn't. i mean, i'd love to see all of the cool buzzing people (alicia, amy, justin), but traveling four hours to see him would be stupid right now. he can come back to burlington already. if he's not too good for all of us vermonters...
i don't know what my problem has been! last night i just found myself in the bitchiest mood! and it's not even like i'm in a bad mood. i just don't feel like putting up with bullshit. i had to keep telling myself that IMing people and telling them off would be a bad idea. like constantly repeat it to myself because all i wanted to do was give people my real opinions of them.
but i didn't because it's not like it would do any good. if i tried, it would be like talking to a brick wall.
my old friend is completely gone, and i don't like the new version.

my mix cds are becoming famous in the defender lab. i think eventually i will make a defender soundtrack. tracks already to be put on it: good riddance (time of your life), paradise city, son of a preacher man.

yet another reason why he's not one of my favorite musicians at the moment--IT'S BEEN ALMOST A FUCKING MONTH!!!!!
i remember the days of daily journal postings...rat fink.
yes, i'm still bitter about the john mayer incident.

there's nothing quite like the feeling of being able to help out a friend. hopefully it'll help. it made me feel good to try.
makes my bullshit problems seem not so pressing. at least for a little while.

i love it when you're in a conversation with someone and they pick up on your mannerisms and use them themselves. it's so fun to witness. :)
i have class in 6 hours 16 minutes. shit.
plus..it's mine...all mine!!!!!