i am very happy to be home. at least for awhile. it's amusing how the little family dynamics seem so nice after i've been away...even the dueling children and grandchildren...ah...
someone is officially on my shit list...but i shall not name names. drop me a line and take a guess if you wish.
now i sleep.

i learned today that while it obviously does not condone drug use (hello, heroin busts), the state of vermont currently has no laws that make the use of esctacy illegal.
who would have thought?

are you stressed? feeling a little down and you don't know how to make it through your days and get everything done?
i have just the thing for you. The secret to my success.

i was feeling goofy. shut up. :)

a few interesting things of note:

i received my 1956 "the real james dean story" magazine this morning. it is very cool...i enjoy it immensely. i just like holding something that was around the time he was alive. well, it came out the year after he died, but still...the fact that this magazine is 45 years old...i just find it pretty cool.

i was looking through the 2000 hilltop yesterday because we were scanning in some pictures for the defender...and lo and behold, picture of me on page 136. i didn't even remember having the picture taken...but it was from the millenium social, and i'm in the middle, with cortni (who doesn't even go here--go her!!!!) to the right and caleb to the left. i found it funny that of anyone i could have had a picture of me with in the yearbook, it had to be caleb. hahahaha...

i'm kind of tired, but i think we're tanning today and i'm hoping to clean my room and start work on my research paper.
i will get things accomplished today.

at approximately 11:10 p.m. this evening, i handed in my final pages for the final issue of the defender this semester.
HUGE FEELING OF RELIEF.
scary thing is, it was rather bittersweet. it's been a major pain to deal with (hello rest of my classes and obligations), but i've loved working with rhonda, sue, nick, and baz. and once we sit through that last class on wednesday...our little family will be no more. well, it was a really disfunctional family, but nonetheless...
but it's all good. i plan on partying with sue sometime, and obviously i see baz all the time, and i'll be able to spend time with rhonda--we've been saying we're going to start going to the gym now that we have spare time and do taebo and all that jazz, plus the joy that is tanning (my minutes of relaxation--ah...)
it's just weird to think eight issues have come and gone.
i don't know, much as i'm feeling bittersweet, i feel wonderful knowing i have a little time to relax. although i have to cram an entire 15-20 page research paper, a tv news segment, and the other crap that is my academic workload into about a week and a half before the big washington trip. a week and a half til i'm in D.C.??? and supposedly meeting clint? and networking and writing constantly and all that goes with it?
oy vay.
maybe i won't have as much free time as i thought. ;)

i'm sorry, i really don't mean to bitch, but the reason i have this here is for me, not for you. well, for you, but first and foremost, for me. so i apologize for bitching, i really do, but honestly, there's only so long that i'm willing to even try. i mean, i go through everything thinking, "well, OK, this sucks, but the next step will be better." growing up, i looked to high school. in high school i looked to college. now i'm in college, looking to what? how long is this going to have to be this way? what is it about me that is so wrong? why can't i ever be in a situation and feel comfortable? fuck comfortable, just fucking WANTED? i mean, perhaps (probably) it's just that i'm too sensitive. but honestly, there's got to be a reason why i feel this way. because i don't think there's ever been a time in which i've been in a big group of people and felt like anyone really gave a damn if i was there or not. i'm sick of being the wallflower, the one people pass by to talk to other people. i just want to feel--for once--as if people wanted me around. like they want to talk to me and give a flying fuck if i'm there. and i don't know how to do it and i don't know if it's even worth my trying because it's not going to accomplish anything.
i'm just going to cry myself to sleep. goodnight.

i am so fucking pissed off i cannot even begin to explain it. i hate just about everyone and i give up trying. not like it matters to anyone, but hey, whatever.
i just want to fucking go home.
no i don't.
i don't know.
GGGGRRRRRR
i am sick and tired of being so fucking miserable. and i don't know what the fuck to do to rectify the situation.